Hard Times but Finally a Light at the End of the Tunnel

It's hard to describe the feeling of seeing a loved one in pain.  Or to describe the smell of a household engulfed in death.  I would describe the 24 hours I spent in Indiana with my aunt and family as rivaling 24 hours in the hospital with my father when he was in a coma and we were not sure if he was going to wake up.  The hospital ended badly and my dad did not wake up.  Fortunately, the situation with my aunt is looking up (at least temporarily).  She is in a rehab hospital now to help recover from the strokes.  I just hope it gets her back into the present.  She tends to jump back 30 years, and it seems as though she is checking in with us using her memories.  It's as though she's trying to confirm that her memories actually happened.  It's heartbreaking to think about what her life is like and was like when she was living with her daughter and suffering unspeakable abuse.

My trip only lasted 24 hours but left lasting impressions.  It wasn't until yesterday that I was able to function as a normal human being and until today that I actually felt like myself again.  I don't get depressed very often (generally, I'm quite perky!) but I was in a dark place.  I felt abandoned by friends and just felt like no one understood.  I had one friend tell me to "have a good weekend!" even though they knew what was going down.  Now, I'm not one to hold grudges or get mad at friends but, come on, people!  Some rules of thumb in case you ever have a friend going through a hard time:

1) Yes, they may not want to talk about it, but try anyway or at least check in.  Although the person may rebuff your attempts, they will remember you trying.
2) Never respond to any exchange with exclamation points.  It at least makes me feel like you don't care and/or have no empathy.
3) Flowers are fabulous.  I wouldn't normally put this but my good friend (and bmaid) Jess sent me a bouquet and it totally made all the difference.  It really did.  I truly truly appreciated it.

K, enough with the lecture.  But really.  I've had a hard few days and it made me think of who my closest friends are.  You know who you are, and I truly appreciate everything.  It's not necessarily over but I know you will be there.

As a light at the end of the tunnel, I'm hosting a "Healthy Recipe Exchange & Potluck+Ladies Night" tomorrow evening.  This has been in the works for weeks.  I almost canceled because of the above but decided it would be best to go forward with it.  I'm happy I didn't cancel.  It seems like the girls are excited and that in turn makes me excited.  I've asked a friend to bring a camera (E took mine with him on his trip) so hopefully, I'll be able to make a blog post and have all the health recipes to share with all of you.

Trying to Write

I have been working on a few blog posts since the last one but have found it difficult.  I mean, I like blogging and letting you all know what's going on with me.  But I like it to be light and funny.  You know, an escape from drudgery.  However, I haven't been feeling very light and funny.  Last week my friend Emily (the one I wrote about before) succumbed to the tumors.  It makes me sad and makes me question the fairness of it all.  But I won't write any more on that.

Last night, I found out that my cousin died over the weekend from complications due to Lupus.  To make matters worse, it also seems that my aunt has had several mini strokes and may be having hallucinations.  Moreover, I'm the closest family member (geographically) and may end up having to check in on her periodically.  I find it ironic I'm in Elder Law this semester.

I normally (really, hardly ever) talk about such personal things but I'm just a little tapped out.  Last semester, I had some hard family stuff to deal with and now this.  I'll try to post something more fun soon, but I just don't feel like it right now.

This is not very uplifting or happy or probably even interesting for you to read and I apologize for that.  I just wanted to express to someone what's going on -- you know, release it to the void.  Thanks for reading.

Working on Goal #1

Today I made the first step toward my goal of teaching a yoga class this year—attending a yoga class!  I went to Amara Yoga.  They have a pretty nice set up, and I enjoyed the Flow Class.  I'm considering signing up for their semester special of $220.  I also am thinking about signing up for unlimited classes at the university gyms for $50 (I really want to try kickboxing!).  Spending the money makes me a bit uneasy because I'm just not sure if I'll get my value out of it.  That being said I'm not sure if I want to pay $12/class each time I go.  Maybe paying the money will make me attend?  I also don't know if there will just be enough days in a week to do all the activities I want: Swimming (new found love), regular gym working out, my Physique 57 videos, gym classes, and yoga.

Anyway, back to the yoga.  First, I just have to say that taking yoga classes after getting certified has been really difficult.  I find myself getting distracted in class thinking about how I would have explained that posture or guided people into it.  I am trained to teach beginners so I know a lot of good ways to explain positions to get people into them correctly (i.e. without injury).  This coupled with my normally critical nature is a recipe for disaster (or at least distraction).  Maybe the more classes I go to the less this will be the case?

I really want to get back at the point where I can do the above (see picture).  This was taken on one of the last days of my yoga training.  I felt like a complete badass being able to get into this headstand with nary an assist or hop up.  It was all abs and shoulders, baby.  Unfortunately, about a month back from Mexico I was no longer able to do it.  It was lack of strength (stopped doing yoga regularly) but it was also that I wasn't "balanced" anymore.  That's really what is driving this need to get back into a regular practice.  I've been so out of whack the last 2.5 years—worrying about grades, jobs, whether I was going to get married, etc.  Now, I only have one more semester of grades (that is, not much damage can be done at this point); I have a job waiting for me (in October 2011), and I am married.  Things seem like they are leveling out (at least for a little while).  I finally feel like I can tackle things beyond law school.

Really Makes You Think

Today I found out that a sorority sister of mine, Emily, has been battling brain tumors for over a year and may lose the battle quite soon.  This really upset me not because we are close (because we are not) but because we could have been close and I missed an opportunity to have an amazing person in my life.  Her mother passed away while we were in college—about a year before my father passed away (or it may have even been the same year).  She reached out to me and kept reaching out to me because she knew that I was in pain.  However, I was not in the place to talk about my dad or to deal with his death.  In fact, I delayed it until after graduation almost 9 months later.  Because I did not want to talk about my father, I avoided Emily even though all she was trying to be was there for me.  Hearing about her battle with cancer really woke me up.  My father passed just over 5 years ago and during those 5 years I have lost touch with many of my girlfriends from the sorority—to my detriment.  It hurts me to think that such a lovely person has gone through such pain and in the face of it, stayed positive (as I've heard from other friends of ours) and lovely throughout.  I can only hope that I would have as much grace through such a difficult time.

At any rate, it got me thinking about this next year.  2010.  It sounds so science fiction, but yet here we are.  Just saying "2010" makes me want to make this year the best year I've had and to make it better than the year before because for whatever reason it sounds like it should be a big deal.  Plus, hearing about Emily made me want to make it a big year for her.  I feel weird saying that because we aren't that close, but I feel like she would like it.  I'll just project those feelings on to her in any event.  So I decided to come up with the not-so-original-title of "10 Goals for 2010."  Some of them are things that I've been meaning to do and some are things that I really should do.  These things are too BIG to be mere resolutions—mostly things like flossing and washing my face every night are relegated to that list.  So here they are in no particular order:

10 Goals for 2010

1. Teach a yoga class: I am a certified yoga instructor.  I have been a certified yoga instructor since 2007 and yet have not taught a class outside of my Yoga training.  It honestly scares the bejesus out of me—I don't like to be in front of groups of people, but it would force me to start up my yoga practice again (I was going 5 times a week before law school).  It would also force me to do something outside my comfort zone (read: growing experience) and potentially make some money too.

2. Learn a new language: I've studied French, German, and Japanese but am not fluent in any of those languages.  This is mostly because I just couldn't find a reason to become fluent.  There's nothing in my life drawing me to Europe or Japan and thus it was hard to dedicate the time to learn them better.  This summer while working at my firm, I noticed that they do a lot of business in South America.  I also think that Spanish is an increasingly important language to learn so that is my goal.  Learning Spanish this year. (This goal may overlap with 2011 just because I'll be studying for the bar until the end of July making learning a language pretty difficult).

3. Actually read 10 non-law books.  I normally listen to books on tape (well, CD but it doesn't sound as catchy).  I listen to books (fiction and nonfiction) while driving to school, working out, longer car rides and chores around the apartment.  It's fulfilling but feels a bit like cheating.  I just finished a book that I started over a year ago so this is a pretty ambitious goal for me.  I find that instead of reading before bed (like I did before moving in with my husband) I stay up watching a rerun of Star Trek (shown every weeknight from 11pm-midnight on channel 12).

4. Finish all my lingering scrapbook projects (6): I have scrapbook projects (read: boxes of crap) from high school, college, weddings, family events, etc.  I have boxes and boxes of scrapbook paper and doo-dads and yet have yet to finish a single scrapbook! That is a bit of hyperbole—I did finish a scrapbook after my post-graduation trip to Italy but that was over 5.5 years ago so I figure it doesn't count anymore.

5. Learn how to play a song on the guitar: My husband is a great guitar player.  Granted since starting grad school (5 years ago) he has not had much time to play.  We have 3 guitars in the apartment (2 electric and 1 acoustic).  I feel like I should take advantage of this and learn at least one song.  That way I can say "I play the guitar."  It could be a fun party trick...

6. Reconnect with at least one good friend a month: This one is pretty self-explanatory.  I find that law school can be very isolating.  You get in your bubble and just forget about the outside world.  Last week, I caught up with 2 close friends (B. and my MoH) and talked to each for over an hour!  It was much overdue and I am going to try to continue that trend.

7. Tell my loved ones how much I love and appreciate them whenever I have the chance: This one is also self-explanatory.  I did a good job with this after Dad died but Emily's situation has reminded me to make a more concerted effort with this.

8. Master my favorite Grandma dishes: Erik's Polish grandmother makes the best authentic Polish dishes—our favorite of which are Mushroom Soup (E's fave) and Beet Soup (my fave).  Other runner-ups are Pirogi and Horseradish Soup.  My goal is to learn how to cook them and master them since we'll be moving far away from the family this year.

9. Get in the best shape of my life: This sounds like a NYR but really it's more than that.  I want to get in great shape and stay that way—not because I'll look better (although that's a bonus) but because I'll feel better.  Also, I'll only have class 3 days a week so I have to do something else with my time, right?

10. Try snowboarding: Erik will love this one.  He's been trying to get me to try snowboarding for years.  I've resisted because I'm terrified that I'll fall and break something important (like a wrist or neck).  I'm also worried because I'm not at #9 yet.  In fact, I'm pretty much in the worst shape of my life (well, maybe that's a bit of an exaggeration but I'm not in great shape).  We'll see, maybe I'll love it and Erik can tease me about all the missed opportunities for snowboarding that I've let pass me by.

Not quite as ambitious as 52 Adventures but it's a start.

I was THAT Person at the Gym Today

So, today is January 2. I went to the gym on campus. I normally do not go to the gym on campus preferring my paid membership at the local gym that is sans 18 year olds with sorority shirts (I used to be one so I can stereotype). However, I knew my local gym would be swarming with other NYRs (New Year's Resolutioners) so I opted for the school gym with my husband.

I'm embarrassed to say that this year I am one of those NYRs. I am the person that went to the gym today to do cardio and had to ask where the day lockers were. To make matters worse, I had not been inside a gym since October (when the semester really got busy), and I was wearing new-looking shoes that were still bright white. Not only that but my 30-minute "cross country" workout really kicked my ass. Talk about a rude awakening.

At any rate, one of my (10) new year's resolutions is to workout at least 4 times a week. Ambitious, I know. But I say, aim high and if I fail, I'll at least get a few workouts in. Something that will help keep me motivated through this year to get in shape is this really neat website: Plus 3 Network. You log in your workouts, and it raises money for a charity of your choosing! Today, my 35 minutes on the elliptical raised 15 cents for the Environmental Defense Fund. They also have challenges in which you can participate to get prizes and things like that. I'm pretty excited about it and think it will keep me motivated throughout the year. We'll see if that stays but I'm pretty optimistic.

New Year... New Decade... New Blog...

Hello All,

I'm sure I've lost many a follower since I haven't updated consistently since, oh, May 2009... This blog may not be as interesting as the blog before. I've decided to continue the blog but use it as more of an update about Erik's and my married life and last year of grad school. Although it seems quite narcissistic to continue a blog without a "bigger" purpose, namely keeping the long distance friends involved in the wedding planning, I've decided to continue anyway since I really enjoyed blogging . . . Who knows? Maybe you will still find it interesting or maybe I'll drop off the face of the earth again. It will be an adventure at any rate.

I will finish up some of the so-called missing pieces from the wedding planning. Mainly, sharing the professional wedding photos and how I'll be making the wedding album. Also, I'll blog about the honeymoon as well. After that, though, the wedding stuff will most likely be over. I say most likely because, well, maybe I just won't be able to help myself!

Anyway, expect blog posts on a regular basis (goal is at least once a week). Hope you stay tuned!

Love,
Meaghan