Mothers' Day

Mothers' Day is a hard holiday for me -- much like Fathers' Day is hard and much like most holidays are hard, frankly.  But Mothers' Day (my apostrophe placement is purposeful and reading this blog post (updated here) made me more inclined to be grammatically correct) is especially hard.  Let's just say my relationship with mothers/ mother-like figures has been complicated.  Pretty much all of my life I have been determined to not be like my biological mother.  My stepmother told me some pretty awful things about my mom when I was growing up — some really terrible things that I now, as an adult, shudder to think of anyone telling an 8 or 9 year old.  And more recently, I found some things out about my stepmother that make me think that she doesn't even have the right to any sort of moral high ground when it came to judging the woman who gave birth to me.  

Up until August 2009, I had always held out hope that my stepmother, the woman who raised me, would call and want a relationship and tell me that she was sorry for the things she wrote me in a very mean-spirited letter in August 2006 (which letter ultimately ended up serving as a beautiful piece of poetic justice—gotta love karma).  I had hoped that she would apologize for telling me almost every day while I was growing up that I wasn't worth anything and that she never wanted children and that if I didn't get a good education, I would end up like my mother, which after the things she said about it, terrified me.  Unfortunately (or fortunately?), I credit her for my drive to be successful.  After all, what could be worse than ending up like my mom?

But who is my mom?  I spent most of my life thinking that my mother abandoned me and started a new life with a new husband and new children to whom she was completely devoted (even being a cub scout mom).  I saw her every other weekend after she lost custody of me when I was 5.  I don't have many happy memories of visiting.  I remember the last time I visited very vividly.  I was 12 and my mom had told me to fold all the laundry piled up on a loveseat.  I told her that I didn't want to.  It seemed unfair to me that I was only up there for 2 days and she wanted me to help her with household chores?  Fold laundry that wasn't mine that had accumulated all week?  Well, in typical preteen fashion, I refused and we had a huge argument and it ended with her telling me that I wasn't welcome in her house anymore.  Me, a 12 year old.  If I was my mother, my daughter would be 6 and turning 7 in a few months.  I cannot imagine telling my child that she was no longer welcome in my home for back-talking about folding laundry.  I understand teenagers can be "challenging" but still. WTF.

But I digress.  Anyway, after reconnecting with my brothers two years ago, I learned the truth about my mother.  Apparently, she's remarried again and she did the exact same thing to them.  Just kicked them out.  They lived with their dad, which was probably better for them as it was for me.  How does a woman just do that?  So, yes, this holiday is troublesome for me.

All that negative stuff being said, I am learning to handle Mothers' Day better these days.  I am so grateful for my mother-in-law.  While I know that her feelings for me would probably change if Erik and I got divorced (as I learned when we broke up -- she's quite the mother lion), it's extremely comforting to know that I have a mom now—a real, honest-to-goodness do-anything kind of mom.  She really is one of my best friends and I talk to her several times a week.  Whenever anything happens (good or bad), she's my #2 call and most of the time ends up hearing about things before Erik because he doesn't get phone service at work.  I love her very much and am so happy she is in my life.  I think that she exemplifies what mothers should be. While I don't know if I'll slice my children's strawberries (I tried cutting strawberries for Erik in quarters once and was told that he preferred them laterally sliced.  My response: If I'm cutting the strawberries, he'll get them how he gets them and be happy about it. lol.), I do know that I can only hope give them as much love as she does to both Erik and me.  

So, this Mothers' Day, I celebrate my mom, Barbara.  Happy Mother's Day to you, Mom.