Trying to Find Serenity

In the midst of this crazy hazing process otherwise known as the bar exam, it's been really hard to find balance.  I've probably had a more difficult time than some because of all my weekend engagements and daily classes (at least week days) since May 20.  In total, out of 21 days of bar study, I've missed 8 total.  This doesn't seem so bad until I start to think about how I don't have this weekend to catch up (another wedding) and don't have a weekend off until June 25.  This coupled with the fact that right now I can't physically study for more than 11 hours/ day (despite really wanting to) makes for a really stressed out Meaghan.

The stress on Thursday was so bad that I was practically (but not actually) reduced to tears at the thought of going out of town another weekend.  The sad part: It was for my good friend (and bmaid) Steph's wedding.  A very happy occasion for sure!  Unfortunately, I spent about 24 hours from Thursday after class until Friday at the nail salon being stressed to the max.  As in, so stressed that I forgot important medication and deodorant at home, so stressed that I really thought I was going to lose it.  For what? An exam.  I've had a similar experience before --> during Feb. of 2L year when I had thousands of pages to read for Law Review while keeping up with coursework while planning a wedding.  I let that stress negatively impact my "Girls' Weekend".  I can't get that weekend back.  Sometime on Friday, I just closed my eyes (the pedicure helped!) and willed myself to calm the fuck down.  And I did (more on the wedding festivities later).  That is, until Sunday night when I got home and started back in on it.

Anyway, at some point last night I literally had to quit studying and lay (lie?) on my couch because my back was hurting me so much.  Today in class, I had to stop typing my notes and handwrite them in the Bar Notes Kaplan gave us because my wrists and fingers were hurting.  Today, instead of outlining Torts Day 3 and/or Contracts Day 1, I took 66 practice questions and wrote out flashcards for NY distinctions because I literally couldn't type anymore.  Even as I'm typing this, I'm worried about how tomorrow is going to go because I'm already feeling muscle fatigue.  Now, I don't want this whole post to be bitching about the bar exam (that could get old or it could make you really happy you aren't going to be an atty).

Instead, I'll just say that I re-learned an important lesson today.  I can only do what I can do.  At the point where I was so frustrated about my wrists/hands/back, I decided it was a good time to take a break and go for a walk.  On my walk, I decided to scrap my study plans for the day and work with my body limitations.  I was still productive.  The work all has to get done.  It will get done.  And it does not matter necessarily the order in which it gets done.  So, I did flashcards tonight instead of reviewing what I learned today.  I still will have to review it at some point and I'll do that later when I'm most able to do it the way that I want to.

I also reminded about something I learned during my yoga training certification.  (Yes, I'm a certified yoga instructor despite the fact I don't live a very yogi lifestyle nor do I do yoga on a regular basis).  SANTOSHA.  It's one of the yoga niyamas or observances.  I felt like I needed reminder of this concept so much that I tattooed it on my wrist (in white ink so it was BigLawNYC LLP friendly of course).  At any rate, it is the concept that through contentment is total happiness.  This is a really good article that describes all the intricacies of the thought:

Contentment is serenity, but not complacency. It is comfort, but not submission; reconciliation, not apathy; acknowledgment, not aloofness. Contentment is a mental decision, a moral choice, a practiced observance, a step into the reality of the cosmos. Contentment/santosha is the natural state of our humanness and our divinity and allows for our creativity and love to emerge. It is knowing our place in the universe at every moment. It is unity with the largest, most abiding, reality.

I really need to reflect on this every day as I go through the 48 days because otherwise I may end up a very unhappy person.  I also take this niyama to mean that I can't force situations.  I must be content and present and let them happen the way they are meant to happen.  This doesn't mean that I don't care.  It just takes some of the pressure off.

Anyway, it's midnight and thus my bed time.  Thanks for making it this far––I'll do my best to make my posts shorter.  I've been a bit rambling as of late.