Digression

I just have to be honest.  I'm finding blogging about my trip to be super tedious.  Not because I don't want to share but because so many other things creep into my brain to write about but I feel like I should focus on the task at hand -- namely, bragging about my vaca. j/k 

Anyway, I've also been struggling with wanting to blog about more thought provoking/ personal things but being afraid to do so.  I'm feeling very disconnected from my friends right now.  Or at least some friends that I used to be close to but now that we don't have classes together we're not so close.  I'm not invited to things.  Maybe it's that there's nothing going on or maybe it's that not everyone has the super-chill semester that I have (reverse work week, what?).  At any rate, it just makes me sad.  I only have 44 more days at this rodeo and want to go out just as close to everyone as I was 1L year where really my idea of socializing was all of us studying at the same table!  I'm worried that I'll move to NYC and that will be it.  I remember how many friends I lost moving from Atlanta to Nashville.  I can't imagine bo-fo Illinois to NYC.  Well, I can actually.  It'll probably go about the same.  And that bothers me a little.

And the thing is that I feel like I have reached out to my friends and they may just be too busy to do anything about it.  I feel like a rift that formed between a mutual friend and me has been a big factor.  It makes it such that I don't look forward to law school events because she'll be there and make things awkward for everyone.  I'm not about to make people choose sides and such.  Nonetheless, it makes me sad.  Her not being my friend makes me sad.  It's made me sad since, oh, June 2008 when she went from BFF/could-be-a-bmaid to someone-who-hates-me-and-ignores-me.  I actually have nightmares about it—much the same as I have nightmares about my stepmother.  I had a dream a few weeks ago that we made amends and cried about it and all was fine.  But that was just a dream and I don't remember or know of anything that we should have to resolve.  It just sucks.  I hate drama. I hate feeling this way.  Why can't I just be a grown up and not care what other people think?  Perhaps I'm still burned by being kicked out of (seriously) the popular group in 6th grade.  My response at that time was to cut off all my hair to a pixie cut.  I won't do that again (scarring experience) but still, why at 26+ am I still feeling like that 12 year old with uncool hair?!